OK, so i got paranoid and took off my picture. oh, well.
Things are going well with me. I am finally starting to get used to the meds that I am on. My daughter is running in her walker and I am excited about Christmas! I am waiting for my pizza to come to my mothers house.
Laura is calling me Ma Ma now. it is very distinctive. she looks right at me and says "Ma Ma".
It melts my heart.
I don't have much to say right now so I will leave it at that.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
The new look
I have a new look! This is a pic of me above. I tried to curl my hair. It worked for about 10 min. I thought I'd try a new look for my page and try to brighten things up.
The Santa parade in my city is tomorrow. It starts at 5pm. It is full of lights to brighten the almost night sky at that time. I am excited to see Laura's happy (or puzzled or crying) face when she sees Santa. The tree at our house is bursting with gifts under the tree for her. She can't even play with most of them until next year or the year after. so we will be sneaky and wrap them again next year. Tee Hee!
Anyway, this is a short post today. Not much more to say.
"little white pill" is keeping me up at night so I will try and take it in the morning instead.
The Santa parade in my city is tomorrow. It starts at 5pm. It is full of lights to brighten the almost night sky at that time. I am excited to see Laura's happy (or puzzled or crying) face when she sees Santa. The tree at our house is bursting with gifts under the tree for her. She can't even play with most of them until next year or the year after. so we will be sneaky and wrap them again next year. Tee Hee!
Anyway, this is a short post today. Not much more to say.
"little white pill" is keeping me up at night so I will try and take it in the morning instead.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
the little white pill
Well.....I am taking a new little white pill. An antidepressant. Yes, me; peppie, "happy" so i thought, smiley, high strung me. My doctor gave me the prescription on Sunday and I stared at these little white pills for two days until I finally took one. I put it in my mouth and all I would say to myself is "here's to happiness, I have now become one of "those" people. "
I always thought in the past that people who admitted defeat were weak. I haven't thought that way about others in a few years but I always thought that about myself.
"Jess, on antidepressants?" I never would have thought. You see, I am the "HELPER" not the "HELPED". I give love, advise, and my undivided friendship and attention to everyone in my life. I remember helping every person in my life with at least one major thing. Now I am the one, I have officially been "HELPED".
Well little white pill........you have your work cut out for you. I just keep telling myself that I am doing this for my family and for the people in my everyday life. I never want Laura to see me in the middle of a breakdown. Although they always happen in the middle of the night when she is sleeping anyway.
I think this is the beginning to a better life. I know that I will not always be on these pills. My doc says that once my hormone pills kick in and I start to balance out I may be able to go off them completely.
I did not want my next post to be a sort of somber, depressing type of story. But I guess that is what the little white pills have on their hands. not that they have "hands" per say. you know what I mean.
I always thought in the past that people who admitted defeat were weak. I haven't thought that way about others in a few years but I always thought that about myself.
"Jess, on antidepressants?" I never would have thought. You see, I am the "HELPER" not the "HELPED". I give love, advise, and my undivided friendship and attention to everyone in my life. I remember helping every person in my life with at least one major thing. Now I am the one, I have officially been "HELPED".
Well little white pill........you have your work cut out for you. I just keep telling myself that I am doing this for my family and for the people in my everyday life. I never want Laura to see me in the middle of a breakdown. Although they always happen in the middle of the night when she is sleeping anyway.
I think this is the beginning to a better life. I know that I will not always be on these pills. My doc says that once my hormone pills kick in and I start to balance out I may be able to go off them completely.
I did not want my next post to be a sort of somber, depressing type of story. But I guess that is what the little white pills have on their hands. not that they have "hands" per say. you know what I mean.
Friday, November 2, 2007
labour and delivery
I am doula as well as a nanny. I have only done two births so far. My preggie lady just gave birth on Halloween night at 11pm. The first birth I attended as a doula, the baby was a preemie and this was her fifth one. the baby was out before the nurse could even wash her hands. I did not see the whole thing mostly because the lady had a hold of my upper arm and was not letting go. This time I got to see everything. It was the most amazing experience that I have ever witnessed.
My daughter was born via c-section so I have never seen a vaginal birth before. I was so pleased with myself after it was all said and done.
The mother could not thank me enough for helping her through this. Her husband is in the UK and was not able to make it for the birth. I was her only real support person. Her aunt was there but she had a weak stomach and did not know how to help her. That is were I come in......Jess to the rescue!
The nurses said that they could use me around more often and that they would love for me to volunteer on a regular basis. I told them that I am working full time and that I needed to spend the rest of my time with my family, but I would volunteer when I am off with my baby in a few years. I also told them that I am planning to go to nursing school after I have my baby and after my baby is about 3 years old. It sounds like a long time from now but I have to take care of my family needs first. I will be a nurse when I am about 35-37. that will give me 30 years in that profession.
I would write about the whole birth but it would take me a while. Maybe another day!
My daughter was born via c-section so I have never seen a vaginal birth before. I was so pleased with myself after it was all said and done.
The mother could not thank me enough for helping her through this. Her husband is in the UK and was not able to make it for the birth. I was her only real support person. Her aunt was there but she had a weak stomach and did not know how to help her. That is were I come in......Jess to the rescue!
The nurses said that they could use me around more often and that they would love for me to volunteer on a regular basis. I told them that I am working full time and that I needed to spend the rest of my time with my family, but I would volunteer when I am off with my baby in a few years. I also told them that I am planning to go to nursing school after I have my baby and after my baby is about 3 years old. It sounds like a long time from now but I have to take care of my family needs first. I will be a nurse when I am about 35-37. that will give me 30 years in that profession.
I would write about the whole birth but it would take me a while. Maybe another day!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
well.....
Well.....I am depressed for some reason right now. I don't really know why. I am trying to figure it out but can't quite put my finger on it. I have a nice life it would seem. I have a great family. I love Kelly and I love Laura. I have a fantastic job! Although it still feels weird that I am appreciated at work. I have never had a job that truly appreciates what I do. I have a great house and I am not drowning in Dept just treading water. And life seems fine.
I am so excited about Halloween! I love doing that sort of thing. I love dressing up and having fun with the kids. I look after two children at work. They are my daytime babies as I like to say. They are great kids! One is 1.5 years and the other is 5. Aside from the typical kid behavioural stuff, i am happy that I get to spend my time with them. I know my boss (steph) is reading this but I am not just saying this stuff. I am trying to just write my thoughts on my blogs and not worry about pleasing people or caring of what others think.
I don't think depressed is the right word for my feelings right now. I think I am just tired.
I guess I should explain a little about where I have been (work related) in my life.
For almost 6 years I was subjected to mindless, chauvinistic, pigheaded, thoughtless, unkind, vengeful, egotistic, pigs of co-workers. You see, I was a woman in the trades. I got into electrical work two days after I graduated from high school. I thought that I would make it as an electrician. I thought that I was smart and a hard worker. I thought people would like me and teach me all there is to know about the trade.
Well, I did not know then what I do now about the world and its people. I was naive. I thought all people that were around me wouldn't lie, be mean, or try to hurt me. I was 17 and green as they came. I should have known what I know today.
They first day at work seemed fine. It was hard and I got the shit jobs, mostly running errands. I knew that this was all part of the apprenticeship. But 6 years later I was given the shit jobs still. I went through 5 different companies and none of them were willing to teach me. I was actually told by one of them that none of the guys in the company that were licenced wanted to teach me because they did not want me taking the jobs away from them and the jobs away from future male electricians.
After the last company and several lay-offs that left me working only half the year, and Kelly being 4 months pregnant. I had to make the hardest decision of my professional life. I had to walk away. How in the fuck would I be able to support my family on an income that was always up in the air. I never knew if I was going to be tossed aside and left without EI. I was desperate. It was exactly a year ago today that I drove down to my bosses house and grabbed my tools. I couldn't even look him in the eye and tell him that I was quitting the profession. I lied. I pride myself in not telling senseless lies but on that day I stared at the ground and lied directly to him. I told him that I was joining the union and that I could not pass up the opportunity. And to make things worse...he was the only employer that thought I had potential. He actually liked my work and liked me. But he never showed it and treated me like all the others did. He told me to be the best electrician and that I'd better show up in some electrical magazine some day. I almost cried right there in front of his house. He hugged me and said "God Bless".
So, even though it was hard, I knew I was making the right decision. I was so miserable from 6 years of hell. I had turned into an unrecognizable bitch from hell. I was always stressed out, always in a bad mood, and always crying over work. It was not fair to Kelly or my friends.
I found a job as a Nanny for a 6 month old named Bob (not his real name). He was the sweetest little boy. Unfortunately I was in for a terrible ride. Once again, I was being taken advantaged of and being manipulated.
The family consisted of a workaholic father and a work from home workaholic mother. They had me doing everything around the house, even painting it top to bottom just before they moved out of the country. I cooked, cleaned the whole house, did laundry, and looked after the boy. All his baby food was made from scratched and he hated eating to begin with. The worst thing about the job was the mom. She was a nut case. I did not see it at the time. I got emotionally involved with her. Not the sexual involvement that one might assume when i say emotionally involved. She attempted suicide 3 times in my present. I even was granted custody over night by the chief of police. I felt so sorry for her that I did what ever they asked of me.
Meanwhile, I was not noticing that Kelly was suffering because of it. I was neglecting her when she needed me the most. I was a shit wife at the time. I still don't forgive myself for the amount of time I spent trying to help my employers and not spending the time with Kelly. I was gone all the time. I worked 12 hours a day sometimes and came home exhausted. I was a shit mom for the first 6 weeks of Laura's life too. I suffered from the baby blues. Even though I was not the bio mom. I had all the systems and felt very isolated from the bond that was first created with Kelly and Laura. It took me 4 months to get Laura to let me hold her for a long period of time. I fucked up the first 6 weeks and I paid for it. Now, I am happy to say......she loves me and I love her and that will never change.
I have been writing for an hour and a half. I'd better go to bed.
Jess
I am so excited about Halloween! I love doing that sort of thing. I love dressing up and having fun with the kids. I look after two children at work. They are my daytime babies as I like to say. They are great kids! One is 1.5 years and the other is 5. Aside from the typical kid behavioural stuff, i am happy that I get to spend my time with them. I know my boss (steph) is reading this but I am not just saying this stuff. I am trying to just write my thoughts on my blogs and not worry about pleasing people or caring of what others think.
I don't think depressed is the right word for my feelings right now. I think I am just tired.
I guess I should explain a little about where I have been (work related) in my life.
For almost 6 years I was subjected to mindless, chauvinistic, pigheaded, thoughtless, unkind, vengeful, egotistic, pigs of co-workers. You see, I was a woman in the trades. I got into electrical work two days after I graduated from high school. I thought that I would make it as an electrician. I thought that I was smart and a hard worker. I thought people would like me and teach me all there is to know about the trade.
Well, I did not know then what I do now about the world and its people. I was naive. I thought all people that were around me wouldn't lie, be mean, or try to hurt me. I was 17 and green as they came. I should have known what I know today.
They first day at work seemed fine. It was hard and I got the shit jobs, mostly running errands. I knew that this was all part of the apprenticeship. But 6 years later I was given the shit jobs still. I went through 5 different companies and none of them were willing to teach me. I was actually told by one of them that none of the guys in the company that were licenced wanted to teach me because they did not want me taking the jobs away from them and the jobs away from future male electricians.
After the last company and several lay-offs that left me working only half the year, and Kelly being 4 months pregnant. I had to make the hardest decision of my professional life. I had to walk away. How in the fuck would I be able to support my family on an income that was always up in the air. I never knew if I was going to be tossed aside and left without EI. I was desperate. It was exactly a year ago today that I drove down to my bosses house and grabbed my tools. I couldn't even look him in the eye and tell him that I was quitting the profession. I lied. I pride myself in not telling senseless lies but on that day I stared at the ground and lied directly to him. I told him that I was joining the union and that I could not pass up the opportunity. And to make things worse...he was the only employer that thought I had potential. He actually liked my work and liked me. But he never showed it and treated me like all the others did. He told me to be the best electrician and that I'd better show up in some electrical magazine some day. I almost cried right there in front of his house. He hugged me and said "God Bless".
So, even though it was hard, I knew I was making the right decision. I was so miserable from 6 years of hell. I had turned into an unrecognizable bitch from hell. I was always stressed out, always in a bad mood, and always crying over work. It was not fair to Kelly or my friends.
I found a job as a Nanny for a 6 month old named Bob (not his real name). He was the sweetest little boy. Unfortunately I was in for a terrible ride. Once again, I was being taken advantaged of and being manipulated.
The family consisted of a workaholic father and a work from home workaholic mother. They had me doing everything around the house, even painting it top to bottom just before they moved out of the country. I cooked, cleaned the whole house, did laundry, and looked after the boy. All his baby food was made from scratched and he hated eating to begin with. The worst thing about the job was the mom. She was a nut case. I did not see it at the time. I got emotionally involved with her. Not the sexual involvement that one might assume when i say emotionally involved. She attempted suicide 3 times in my present. I even was granted custody over night by the chief of police. I felt so sorry for her that I did what ever they asked of me.
Meanwhile, I was not noticing that Kelly was suffering because of it. I was neglecting her when she needed me the most. I was a shit wife at the time. I still don't forgive myself for the amount of time I spent trying to help my employers and not spending the time with Kelly. I was gone all the time. I worked 12 hours a day sometimes and came home exhausted. I was a shit mom for the first 6 weeks of Laura's life too. I suffered from the baby blues. Even though I was not the bio mom. I had all the systems and felt very isolated from the bond that was first created with Kelly and Laura. It took me 4 months to get Laura to let me hold her for a long period of time. I fucked up the first 6 weeks and I paid for it. Now, I am happy to say......she loves me and I love her and that will never change.
I have been writing for an hour and a half. I'd better go to bed.
Jess
Monday, October 29, 2007
Well, I know the title "the inner jess" sounds lame.....but who cares. I will write about what I am feeling, and well.....isn't that "the inner" part of me.
My name is Jess, and I have lots to say....I never stop talking....I know it is a problem but I am not alone! I have met many other "talkers" along the way. It is funny because when you get in the same room as a talker or you converse with a talker, you both start off blabbing away and then before you realize it you are yelling at each other. My boss explained it to me and now I can really see what she is talking about.
Let me tell you a little about myself.
I am a wife, mother, daughter and a sister. I am content with my life right now but still find everything to worry about.
Let me introduce my family:
My wife Kelly (not her real name) is 8 years older than I am. And in case you are totally confused "hum..wife". Yes, we are lesbians, dyke's, lovers, and whatever else you want to call us. She is a wonderful woman who truly loves me. She is the mother of my child and the love of my life.
My daughter Laura (not real name) is 8 months old. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wanted her so bad....we tried so hard to get her....and when she arrived I was scared shitless. I guess all parents are. I never knew that I could love another without fail like I love my daughter. I miss her all the time. I work full time and what most people that are not in my situation don't get is that I am a mother of a child that is not biologically mine and who is not on mat leave with her. Most mothers, biomoms or not, get to take that first year with their children. Well, not me....oh look.... i am rambling while i am supposed to introduce her.
She is the most beautiful baby that I have ever seen...She has a face that could melt any ones heart and I am the luck one to be her mother. She does not want to crawl. she would rather stand. She is a handful, a "high needs" child as Dr. Sears would describe. She has a scream that I never knew could come out of something so little and a smile that shows me that she loves me.
she has started to want me when i get home from work, smile and laugh at me when I get home, and want ME to hold her. This is big for me because for the first 6 months of her life it was all Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Mama Jess who, is what she thought of me. At least that is what I felt.
Anywho, I must get back to other things. I will write when I get the chance again.
My name is Jess, and I have lots to say....I never stop talking....I know it is a problem but I am not alone! I have met many other "talkers" along the way. It is funny because when you get in the same room as a talker or you converse with a talker, you both start off blabbing away and then before you realize it you are yelling at each other. My boss explained it to me and now I can really see what she is talking about.
Let me tell you a little about myself.
I am a wife, mother, daughter and a sister. I am content with my life right now but still find everything to worry about.
Let me introduce my family:
My wife Kelly (not her real name) is 8 years older than I am. And in case you are totally confused "hum..wife". Yes, we are lesbians, dyke's, lovers, and whatever else you want to call us. She is a wonderful woman who truly loves me. She is the mother of my child and the love of my life.
My daughter Laura (not real name) is 8 months old. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wanted her so bad....we tried so hard to get her....and when she arrived I was scared shitless. I guess all parents are. I never knew that I could love another without fail like I love my daughter. I miss her all the time. I work full time and what most people that are not in my situation don't get is that I am a mother of a child that is not biologically mine and who is not on mat leave with her. Most mothers, biomoms or not, get to take that first year with their children. Well, not me....oh look.... i am rambling while i am supposed to introduce her.
She is the most beautiful baby that I have ever seen...She has a face that could melt any ones heart and I am the luck one to be her mother. She does not want to crawl. she would rather stand. She is a handful, a "high needs" child as Dr. Sears would describe. She has a scream that I never knew could come out of something so little and a smile that shows me that she loves me.
she has started to want me when i get home from work, smile and laugh at me when I get home, and want ME to hold her. This is big for me because for the first 6 months of her life it was all Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Mama Jess who, is what she thought of me. At least that is what I felt.
Anywho, I must get back to other things. I will write when I get the chance again.
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