well.....

Well.....I am depressed for some reason right now. I don't really know why. I am trying to figure it out but can't quite put my finger on it. I have a nice life it would seem. I have a great family. I love Kelly and I love Laura. I have a fantastic job! Although it still feels weird that I am appreciated at work. I have never had a job that truly appreciates what I do. I have a great house and I am not drowning in Dept just treading water. And life seems fine.

I am so excited about Halloween! I love doing that sort of thing. I love dressing up and having fun with the kids. I look after two children at work. They are my daytime babies as I like to say. They are great kids! One is 1.5 years and the other is 5. Aside from the typical kid behavioural stuff, i am happy that I get to spend my time with them. I know my boss (steph) is reading this but I am not just saying this stuff. I am trying to just write my thoughts on my blogs and not worry about pleasing people or caring of what others think.

I don't think depressed is the right word for my feelings right now. I think I am just tired.

I guess I should explain a little about where I have been (work related) in my life.

For almost 6 years I was subjected to mindless, chauvinistic, pigheaded, thoughtless, unkind, vengeful, egotistic, pigs of co-workers. You see, I was a woman in the trades. I got into electrical work two days after I graduated from high school. I thought that I would make it as an electrician. I thought that I was smart and a hard worker. I thought people would like me and teach me all there is to know about the trade.

Well, I did not know then what I do now about the world and its people. I was naive. I thought all people that were around me wouldn't lie, be mean, or try to hurt me. I was 17 and green as they came. I should have known what I know today.

They first day at work seemed fine. It was hard and I got the shit jobs, mostly running errands. I knew that this was all part of the apprenticeship. But 6 years later I was given the shit jobs still. I went through 5 different companies and none of them were willing to teach me. I was actually told by one of them that none of the guys in the company that were licenced wanted to teach me because they did not want me taking the jobs away from them and the jobs away from future male electricians.

After the last company and several lay-offs that left me working only half the year, and Kelly being 4 months pregnant. I had to make the hardest decision of my professional life. I had to walk away. How in the fuck would I be able to support my family on an income that was always up in the air. I never knew if I was going to be tossed aside and left without EI. I was desperate. It was exactly a year ago today that I drove down to my bosses house and grabbed my tools. I couldn't even look him in the eye and tell him that I was quitting the profession. I lied. I pride myself in not telling senseless lies but on that day I stared at the ground and lied directly to him. I told him that I was joining the union and that I could not pass up the opportunity. And to make things worse...he was the only employer that thought I had potential. He actually liked my work and liked me. But he never showed it and treated me like all the others did. He told me to be the best electrician and that I'd better show up in some electrical magazine some day. I almost cried right there in front of his house. He hugged me and said "God Bless".

So, even though it was hard, I knew I was making the right decision. I was so miserable from 6 years of hell. I had turned into an unrecognizable bitch from hell. I was always stressed out, always in a bad mood, and always crying over work. It was not fair to Kelly or my friends.

I found a job as a Nanny for a 6 month old named Bob (not his real name). He was the sweetest little boy. Unfortunately I was in for a terrible ride. Once again, I was being taken advantaged of and being manipulated.
The family consisted of a workaholic father and a work from home workaholic mother. They had me doing everything around the house, even painting it top to bottom just before they moved out of the country. I cooked, cleaned the whole house, did laundry, and looked after the boy. All his baby food was made from scratched and he hated eating to begin with. The worst thing about the job was the mom. She was a nut case. I did not see it at the time. I got emotionally involved with her. Not the sexual involvement that one might assume when i say emotionally involved. She attempted suicide 3 times in my present. I even was granted custody over night by the chief of police. I felt so sorry for her that I did what ever they asked of me.

Meanwhile, I was not noticing that Kelly was suffering because of it. I was neglecting her when she needed me the most. I was a shit wife at the time. I still don't forgive myself for the amount of time I spent trying to help my employers and not spending the time with Kelly. I was gone all the time. I worked 12 hours a day sometimes and came home exhausted. I was a shit mom for the first 6 weeks of Laura's life too. I suffered from the baby blues. Even though I was not the bio mom. I had all the systems and felt very isolated from the bond that was first created with Kelly and Laura. It took me 4 months to get Laura to let me hold her for a long period of time. I fucked up the first 6 weeks and I paid for it. Now, I am happy to say......she loves me and I love her and that will never change.

I have been writing for an hour and a half. I'd better go to bed.


Jess